Parsing the "transportation product liability" text, example 5

Original text posted here.

5. The vehicle industry lobby has defeated every attempt by the NHTSA requiring mandatory rollover tests. The common argument - repeatability. However, many manufacturers have conducted their own dynamic roof tests for decades. European manufacturers have conducted rollover and drop testing since the 1970’s to evaluate occupant protection in a rollover.

5a. This sentence needs a transition phrase. Let's then use the infinitive form of the verb "require" in place of the present participle. Also, "require" and "mandatory" are redundant.

Suggestion:
  • For example, the vehicle industry lobby has defeated every attempt by the Administration to require rollover tests.
5b. The second sentence needs to use the correct horizontal mark or at least two hyphens. It also needs clarification because "repeatability" is not an argument. I have guessed at what the repeatability argument is.

Suggestion:
  • The common argument—lack of repeatability: rollover tests can't be repeated with consistent results.
5c. For the last two sentences, let's use a light connector (but) in place of a heavy one (however). Let's assume a "dynamic roof test" is a rollover test. We don't need the apostrophe for "1970s." And let's insert repeatability—the focus of the previous sentence.

Suggestion:
  • But many manufacturers have conducted their own rollover tests for decades. Specifically, European manufacturers have evaluated occupant protection with rollover and drop testing since the 1970s, so these manufacturers consider rollover tests repeatable.


Wayne Schiess
Director of Legal Writing | The University of Texas School of Law | Website | Seminars | Articles | Books: Preparing Legal Documents Nonlawyers Can Read and Understand | Better Legal Writing | Writing for the Legal Audience | The Legal Memo: A Basic Guide
 

Posted by Wayne Schiess at 3/24/2009 12:45 PM
Categories: Improvement,Law Practice
 

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